Back to School: Five Things You'll Hear before September

Back to School

by Michelle Heffernan

It’s that dreaded time of year again, when you have to swap mornings of cartoons and 5 bowls of coco pops for ..ugh…free education?. It doesn’t help that your mother is practically chilling the prosecco already in celebration of your impending imprisonment. Here are five things you’re likely to hear from her/himself in the last few days of freedom…

  1. I suppose your uniform is still IN A BALL up there is it????

 Back to School

Yeah, look Mam, I know you wanted to me wash, dry and steam it three months ago but I got a little excited back in June…with a raspberry slushee. You better go fish that smelly thing out of your sports bag and douse it with holy water/say three decades of the rosary because she is going to crucify you when she finds it

2. You had ALL SUMMER to tell me that!

 Back to School

It doesn’t make sense, she has a super human spidey sense that can detect you easvesdropping on the landing/putting a teabag in the sink/putting the dryer on a high spin but she didn’t already know she had to book your school study place months ago? I don’t know why she’s getting so cross. She let the ball drop on that one…

3. What’s wrong with the ones you ALREADY HAVE?

 Back to School

In truth nothing Mam. There’s a child called Kamil somewhere in Somalia who would smile with delight across the Trocaire box if he had my second hand school bag/pencil-case/shoes. But I’m not him I’m your spoilt brat! I need a new iteration of everything if I’m to survive September, especially lots of colourful stationery I’ll never use. It’s the only fun part about this for me!

4. Well, You’re old enough now…

 Back to School

To Make Your Own Lunch

To Cover Your Own Books

To Make your own way to….oh god has she lost her mind???! True, you tell her every day to mind her own business, give you space, and that youre perfectly capable of taking care of yourself without her checking if you need tea every 7 seconds. But you don’t really mean it! Mam, I’m going to be way too stressed with study to design sandwiches or figure out how to work an iron. You’re going to have to continue to be my domestic slave and give me lunch money for junk food on top of all the “brain-boosting” food you buy me in Aldi

5. How did you get on lovey?

 Back to School

You roll your eyes. If you look traumatised enough she might buy you takeaway for dinner. Realistically it wasn’t that bad, but you’ll lament to her anyway in the hope she’ll lash on the financial compensation. “ None of the lads/girls are in my class”. “I’m the ONLY one on my own”. “I have TRIPLE maths on a Friday afternoon AND the vending machine ran out of blaas. Ah bless her heart she really is a saint to listen to your melodramatic tripe. Now would be also a good time to tell her you need a tennis racket, a hockey stick, an aerial drone and 300 hundred million euro for photocopying. Thanks Mam!

Enjoy September errybody!

 By Michelle Heffernan


Back To School